Heart of the Matter by Emily Giffin

I am in the middle of Heart of the Matter by Emily Giffin and it has prompted me to try and think about some questions. Which is worse - an affair of the heart or a physical affair? If it gets to the point that it is both - does that mean there is no going back? Is the affair the fault of the people in the marriage - or the other woman/man? Does the fact that it means that there are problems in the marriage mean  that both are to blame or just the one that sets outside the marriage?

I have to admit this book has me hooked. It is hard when you like both the "other woman" and the person who seems to be wronged. Even the husband at times is likable - but I am biased and think at times he is manipulative - he doesn't have the right to blame someone other than himself when he has already started moving on without talking things through with his wife.

So what is your answer to those questions?

Mine? When I was in college I had very strong feelings about cheaters. They physically made me sick. And it wasn't because anyone in my family had been affected by them. I just didn't understand. And then some things changed. I saw people I knew in situations and had my own issues with people who had told me they weren't in a relationship but were. And I loosened up a bit about things. I think it isn't as black and white as people would like it to be. In terms of me - I don't know if I could mend a relationship when there was either an affair of the heart or a sexual encounter. It might be possible - but it would require a lot of work on both people's part and I don't know if my heart would be in it. Who is to blame - the person who does the cheating. No matter what brought you to that point - the person who is involved with  someone and can't face ending things with them before moving on is to blame. Does that mean they are a bad person? No - but if it requires fault then it is more their fault. The other woman/man are not to blame because it isn't their relationship that they are ruining. They have nothing invested. Again do I think it is a nice/moral/good thing to be the other person - no.

I would say the one thing that I see some people really disagree on is - if you cheat -should you tell the person you are with or not? Especially if you want to move on and make things work. Some would say that it is better to not tell them. Why punish them when they did nothing. Especially if you are stopping. Others say you need to be totally truthful to make things work. I think I am of the truthful thing. I compare it to a problem like stealing. If the people around you don't know that you have problems with it - they won't be aware of the signs. And by the time they notice (if ever) it might be too late. Additionally cheating can be somewhat of a health issue as well. You have a right to know if it is happening.

But I am sure there are lots of other perspectives out there. Tell me about yours.